Ethical Wills:
One Focal point for Life Stories
by Lolly Gold
Have you ever sat down with a lawyer and prepared a
will? If you have, you've made sure your family will
know your wishes about what will happen to your belongings
after you're gone. This is usually part of what we do
during our lifetimes: take stock of our possessions,
think about the future, and make sure that our wishes
are known. And we want to be sure that everything we've
worked for is given to those we value the most.
Now, have you ever though about sitting down with yourself
and writing out what your most cherished values are?
Or your thoughts on what is most important in life?
After all, haven't you learned something about life
that you would want to pass on to your family? One way
of doing this is to write an Ethical Will. This often
overlooked method of life review, while not a recounting
of your entire life story, can convey a great deal of
the cherished values and beliefs you are wanting to
pass down to your family members.
The purpose of an ethical will is to transmit your values
and beliefs to your posterity using your own words.
It is usually composed during the later years of life,
though it can be started at any age and added to as
time goes on. Originally, the purpose of the ethical
will was to leave a spiritual legacy for future generations.
It has evolved over the centuries, however, as parents
have used it to instruct, remind, and inspire their
children to lead better lives. Ethical wills have deep
roots in Jewish tradition, but the idea crosses religious
boundaries; many people of other religions - and those
with no religious ties at all - create them as well.
One Biblical example of an ethical will is related when
Jacob gathers his sons around him near his time of his
death. He gives each one his thoughts about their lives
as he compliments, corrects, or criticizes each, and
then he blesses them all.
Writing an ethical will goes to the heart of many reasons
for wanting to leave a personal legacy. Sometimes parents
share mistakes to show lessons they have learned throughout
their lives. Often, writers of ethical wills articulate
feelings that have been too difficult to speak openly
about. In fact, children have often been surprised at
the ideas or the feelings expressed by a parent when
presented with their will. Perhaps we take for granted
that our children know us well, but this is an opportunity
to be sure that our own thoughts and wishes are expressed,
without contradiction, and without interruption. In
any case, the writer of an ethical will always looks
for meaning in past experience and uses the will as
an instrument to distill and communicate his or her
most cherished values.
So now you know you'd like to create your own ethical
will, but where do you begin? One way is to think of
your ethical will as a letter to your children, grandchildren,
and their children. Writing it gives you a chance to
impart advice, tell about what you have learned throughout
life, and let your family know what is important to
you. Consider the following questions: Are there one
or more specific people you want to address it to? Do
you want to present it to them soon, and discuss it,
or will you want to put it away for a time? What topics
do you think are important to cover? Here are a few
ideas:
- Tell of your feelings about the people you're
addressing
- Detail your values about education, religious
beliefs, work, and giving to charity
- Explain your hopes for what values the family
will continue to transmit
- Relate the lessons life has taught you
Although an ethical will can be written as a natural
conclusion to creating a complete personal history,
many do not have the time or the energy to devote themselves
to such an involved project. In that case, an ethical
will, whether written or on videotape, is a wonderful
vehicle for those who still wish to leave a very important
personal legacy.
Resources for further study:
- So That Your Values Live On: Ethical Wills and
how to prepare them
This book by Jack Riemer and Nathaniel Stampfer includes
a brief chapter on how to write an ethical will and
includes dozens of examples (some from the 18th Century)
to give you an idea of what others have done.
- www.ethicalwill.com
This site all about writing ethical wills is a good
resource in and of itself, but an excellent workbook
by Barry Baines, M.D., is available there.
Copyright © Lolly Gold, 2000
http://www.personalhistorians.org/coaching/article8.html
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